No. 041 — HBO's Hacks & the Irascible Assistant (Part II)

“Her inability to feel love has poisoned her, swallowed down with the abasement of sugar, yeast, lard and flour; she knows this for a fact. She tries, she pretends pleasure, as women are encouraged to do, but her efforts are punished by a hunger that attacks her when she’s alone…”

— The Stone Diaries (1993), Carol Shields

Calamity & resilience. My go-to lipliner of fifteen years has been discontinued. Made in Germany and industriously named Make Up Forever, that lip pencil had been a daily staple as I navigated the rat-infested streets of New York City. Lipliner, lipstick and Prozac are the only things I’m steadfast with in my morning routine. Through bone chilling winters and subway sauna summers, the lip pencil (Shade: 14C – Satin Light Rosewood), has often been the one thing I could rely on after a lifetime of empty promises. Consistency is underrated. This pencil withstood the humid assault of Louisiana summers, three course dinners, sloppy kisses, long cries, cigarette butts, cocktail rims, divorce papers and kombucha. What’s a girl to do?

If my life circumstances were what they should be, I’d have one of my assistants alert me to the discontinue before the event so that I could start clearing out the last batch of inventory in every Sephora within a 100-mile radius. Such was the strategy Deborah Vance deployed when notified by her Personal Assistant Damien, that her signature rich bitch fragrance was discontinued. Her team took to a shopping spree that looked more like looting, buying out every bottle they could find. The scene is chaotic and yet also a comfort. Our antihero, Deborah Vance, unapologetically wealthy — hoarding inventory of her favorite perfume ensuring she’ll have (more than) enough for the remainder of her years on Earth, is reassuring.  Even during times of austerity, a determined woman with purchasing power can always get what she needs.

This is but one of the scenes in Hacks where the Assistant takes center stage as a knight in shining armor. Jarring to see Damien sprinting at full speed toward Deborah’s private plan on the tarmac. One wonders, what could have him running, seemingly for his life? We soon find out, he was running to save Deborah the indignity of flying without her sunglasses, which she’d left in the car. Damien running as if fleeing gunfire, is a reminder of just how high stakes the details are, when your job is to assuage a hard drinking, control freak that every aspect of her life has been considered and tended to.

Hacks’ spotlight on the assistants, validates what anyone in a support function knows — behind every hyper productive tycoon, lies a razor-sharp, workaholic assistant, hunched over a keyboard, compulsively checking their phone. These assistants often make six figure incomes and enjoy the perks of their employer, at the cost of airtight, error-free devotion to the job at hand. Mistakes may be unavoidable, but they’re also inexcusable - the stuff of night terrors.

Deborah Vance’s lucrative HSN (Home Shopping Network) empire is managed by her faithful fan and “Alfred” like right hand, the ever-steady Marcus. Notable the show doesn’t give Marcus a surname, it’s as if he’s a robot. And with his schedule, he might as well be. When Marcus uncharacteristically gives himself a few days off to recharge, things quickly go to shit for Deborah. The gay cruise she’s booked on turns out to be a lesbian cruise, NOT her target audience of party boys in leather chaps. This blunder validates an unsettling truism of support functions, should you ever feel like you’ve earned a day or two to steer on autopilot, think again – everything will fall to pieces faster than you can respond to the flurry of your bosses’ harried urgent messages. 

On the other end of the Assistant spectrum, Hacks elevates the ditzy yet delightful Kayla Schaeffer, whose nepo-baby status grants her an imperviousness that is enviable. Kayla is safely nestled above the fray, completely oblivious to the chaos she reaps in her chemtrails. Her saving grace is an 80s inspired neon color palate matched with unwavering loyalty - a coveted characteristic that can provide access to titans of industry. Trust is rare, loyalty more so.

That Kayla exists in a larger body is significant. She takes up space, both figuratively and literally. Saturated in color, with a boisterous voice that carries well into the boardroom, Kayla is an alpha of her environment. Delusional in a way that many successful characters are, and intent on making her mark within Daddy’s company, Kayla is a distinctly American character. Her loyalty is challenged, tested and questioned throughout the series. At the onset Kayla is loyal to herself, she soon cultivates a dedication and belief in her colleague Jimmy that catapults them into a new frontier.

Loyalty demands we make difficult tradeoffs, sacrificing one virtue for another.

When my corporate career focus is in high gear, as it is now, it can be challenging to maintain a steady writing output. But it is a must. Since retiring my co-pilot “Assistant to Big Whig X” hat, I now channel all the support and facilitation I used to afford to my bosses, to my own endeavors. Every day more regimented and deadline driven with my workflow and priorities, as if my life depends on it, because it does.

As Deborah Vance shifts her focus to revamping her stand-up material, entrepreneurial endeavors that fund her opulence take a back seat. One can’t be all things at once. Could it be that the fanned flames of professional endeavors can also feed creative output? We’ll soon find out… In the meantime, I’ll continue to make collages, crochet scarves and re-learning Bass Guitar. Feeling inspired by the drole and imposing bassist to the New York Dolls, Arthur Killer Kane to pick up my instrument again. I’ll write the soundtrack to my inadequacy, one note at a time, and in doing so, achieve an enduring and immutable peace. 

Keep wresting with output x
Nat